Use-Me

the current truth

was jst going through my previous post and can't help laughing aloud. what was i thinking ? i hereby completely disown that part of me ...and its not even very long back in the past that this has happened. jst 6 months back ? all this doesn't even fit into what i imagine of myself to be. not a bit. its amusing how i can disown such strong parts of my life and character and go ahead and create new truths about myself which will over time gain a strong currency in my own 'space'.noticed how i deleted 'life' and replaced it with 'space' ,perhaps, to make it seem that my thought is more layered than it currently is . which currently is laboring hard , drawing comparisions between 'how i imagine myself to be' and 'my favorite tv channel'. let me drain that out before i really start appreciating myself for such banality and who knows immediately post it on fb or twitter.the convoluted thought being that jst like how my favorite tv channel has been changing over the years , how i imagine myself has also been changing with time.i m so #disturbed.

P.S - not jst that , i m more challenged than this . these days i m facing a trouble trying to figure out what i should post on fb and am jst avoiding the confusion by not posting anything as such.i can't handle the thought of somebody reading my fb update and searching of the 'unlike' button.is this paranoia or is it some sort of a new age complex or is this fear of rejection ? has some research student already created a new truth about how fb is stoking the fear of rejection very early in life.
i liked it. perhaps somewhere inside i jst feel i made an attempt at being funny. but it is the current truth.

If only skies came falling down.....

I would fall down in Aberdeen , buy a few balloons and just like in this movie , would fly back home ....

HOME - a word that has a new found meaning in my being ....probably the only tine in my entire adulthood that my eyes got all watered up at the mention of it. Probably a fleeting , irrelevant emotion in the world right now , but thats where i m headed too...an irrelevant , fleeting world. Even the K3G title song on the Lufthansa radio tugs at the strings of my heart ....it is the first time that i am aware of the distinction between mind and heart.....

What if i create a big scene here and get the aeroplane to land ?

What if my parents die while i cross the Atlantic ...i always thought only death could do us apart ...not such geographical dislocation...i-94 ? what if i don;t fill that up ? but if i really go back would i be failing mom and dad ? what will dad do when i am not around ? what is he doing now ?

even the desperate attempt to imagine hot , naked women doesnt wriggle me out of this irreconcilable damness..it only reminds me of all the sunday evenings that i had at home in all the 24 yrs ...i dont mind writing a half yearly telugu paper....So, yes i am sissy...but no amt of self deprecation is helping as i shamelessly wallow in pain and agony and long to go back to mom and dad...

a pain that is impervious to the spiritual strains of khwaja mere khwaja on the flight radio. Thinking of the more unfortunate alkso doesnt help.

this isnt a state of mind . it is life telling me that i am in deep shit , but since a lot of people have taken this shit before , i have no right to feel anything now..and then the barge of fancy words being thrown at me...'home-sick'...'first time na ?'....I DONT CARE..

i am dying . not a slow death but a quick painful exhausting death which almost feels like each finger being sliced one by one into 3 pieces , skin being peeled off layer by layer with chilli powder and pepper sprinkled all over and into the eyes...shoulders dislocated ,,,legs cut to dangle from the hips while that guy in the office i envy is being given the SMARTEST and the MOST SUCCESSFUL guy in the entire universe.

As tears dry up , mind goes blank ...as the most wasted time of my entire life awaits me and selfishness reaches a new height ....i shall take my mind off me ...involving myself into the lives of these people stuck in time travel.

Work in progress

after weeks of doing 15hr days in office , its only fair that the scary poet inside should be let to vent out..

home home home
home sweet home
om shanti om
all cool boys come on and make some noise
home shanti home
all the hot girls put ur hands up and say
home home home