If only skies came falling down.....
I would fall down in Aberdeen , buy a few balloons and just like in this movie , would fly back home ....
HOME - a word that has a new found meaning in my being ....probably the only tine in my entire adulthood that my eyes got all watered up at the mention of it. Probably a fleeting , irrelevant emotion in the world right now , but thats where i m headed too...an irrelevant , fleeting world. Even the K3G title song on the Lufthansa radio tugs at the strings of my heart ....it is the first time that i am aware of the distinction between mind and heart.....
What if i create a big scene here and get the aeroplane to land ?
What if my parents die while i cross the Atlantic ...i always thought only death could do us apart ...not such geographical dislocation...i-94 ? what if i don;t fill that up ? but if i really go back would i be failing mom and dad ? what will dad do when i am not around ? what is he doing now ?
even the desperate attempt to imagine hot , naked women doesnt wriggle me out of this irreconcilable damness..it only reminds me of all the sunday evenings that i had at home in all the 24 yrs ...i dont mind writing a half yearly telugu paper....So, yes i am sissy...but no amt of self deprecation is helping as i shamelessly wallow in pain and agony and long to go back to mom and dad...
a pain that is impervious to the spiritual strains of khwaja mere khwaja on the flight radio. Thinking of the more unfortunate alkso doesnt help.
this isnt a state of mind . it is life telling me that i am in deep shit , but since a lot of people have taken this shit before , i have no right to feel anything now..and then the barge of fancy words being thrown at me...'home-sick'...'first time na ?'....I DONT CARE..
i am dying . not a slow death but a quick painful exhausting death which almost feels like each finger being sliced one by one into 3 pieces , skin being peeled off layer by layer with chilli powder and pepper sprinkled all over and into the eyes...shoulders dislocated ,,,legs cut to dangle from the hips while that guy in the office i envy is being given the SMARTEST and the MOST SUCCESSFUL guy in the entire universe.
As tears dry up , mind goes blank ...as the most wasted time of my entire life awaits me and selfishness reaches a new height ....i shall take my mind off me ...involving myself into the lives of these people stuck in time travel.
HOME - a word that has a new found meaning in my being ....probably the only tine in my entire adulthood that my eyes got all watered up at the mention of it. Probably a fleeting , irrelevant emotion in the world right now , but thats where i m headed too...an irrelevant , fleeting world. Even the K3G title song on the Lufthansa radio tugs at the strings of my heart ....it is the first time that i am aware of the distinction between mind and heart.....
What if i create a big scene here and get the aeroplane to land ?
What if my parents die while i cross the Atlantic ...i always thought only death could do us apart ...not such geographical dislocation...i-94 ? what if i don;t fill that up ? but if i really go back would i be failing mom and dad ? what will dad do when i am not around ? what is he doing now ?
even the desperate attempt to imagine hot , naked women doesnt wriggle me out of this irreconcilable damness..it only reminds me of all the sunday evenings that i had at home in all the 24 yrs ...i dont mind writing a half yearly telugu paper....So, yes i am sissy...but no amt of self deprecation is helping as i shamelessly wallow in pain and agony and long to go back to mom and dad...
a pain that is impervious to the spiritual strains of khwaja mere khwaja on the flight radio. Thinking of the more unfortunate alkso doesnt help.
this isnt a state of mind . it is life telling me that i am in deep shit , but since a lot of people have taken this shit before , i have no right to feel anything now..and then the barge of fancy words being thrown at me...'home-sick'...'first time na ?'....I DONT CARE..
i am dying . not a slow death but a quick painful exhausting death which almost feels like each finger being sliced one by one into 3 pieces , skin being peeled off layer by layer with chilli powder and pepper sprinkled all over and into the eyes...shoulders dislocated ,,,legs cut to dangle from the hips while that guy in the office i envy is being given the SMARTEST and the MOST SUCCESSFUL guy in the entire universe.
As tears dry up , mind goes blank ...as the most wasted time of my entire life awaits me and selfishness reaches a new height ....i shall take my mind off me ...involving myself into the lives of these people stuck in time travel.
posted by vigbert at 1:59 PM
3 Comments:
The mind is sorry, the heart is sad. There are things that I am scared of, there are things I do not know yet.
What do I feel? I do not feel much. I am walking through a lotta emotions, failing themselves in their own way. I am buying time to understand what is going on my head. I am not sure, if I am being callous, indifferent or honest.
There are things in life which seem appropriate to do. Sometimes, you don't get around to actually do them, but in hindsight, they seem casual enough to have attempted.
I am constantly bothered by the thoughts in my head. Not always do I see them with clarity, but in some prolonged hours of moroseness, words empty themselves on lil white screens .
I feel betrayed by my emotions, which fail to turn up on occasions when warranted. I am not severely hampered by the loss of moods, I have got plenty of those. It is a few lil dark events of rusty weather and unknown serenity that fade out of my conscience, I cannot picture what I seemed to have lost. I have no sense of bankruptcy, there is no drama in my thoughts. I wrestle with arguments of its birth or its plausible absence.
There are moments in a year when you sit and believe. In ways, these are still things that you have an idea about. These are moments you had a part in. These are memories.
I wrote these lines on the plane when I was coming to India earlier this July after my grandma died.
P.S. I lied, am not Superman.
i told u , relativity in my world has lost its meaning ....i think i jst wriggled out of the quantum of life in domalguda to lead a life where every moment is spent reassuring myself that i m feeling good...not really the black hole but somewhere where no telescope focuses..
and yes , i think i will spend the next few days readin those lines again n again...it strikes a chord like nothin before...
There is nothing brave in being away from mom's and dad's viggu... success, riches are just words.
Very rarely does a day go by, when I am about to close my eyes for the night, an image of my mom and dad flashes that they are struggling to lift something or fix something, things they thought I would perennially be there to take care of and now no more... the pangs of guilt are forcefully muted with lies and trappings of something better... they don't stick but cowardice chokes the better angels of many a good hearts...
Adarsh - Sorry about your grandmother... the words are beautiful.
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